Photo by Mr. Kris

Every relationship that we cultivate has it’s own dynamic.  We do not behave exactly the same with everyone, and the greatest difference that can be observed is in our “romantic” relationships.  For some reason, we treat our lovers differently than our friends, we have different expectations of them.  Perhaps, this is partly because of what we’re taught by our surroundings, from seeing others do the same.  But it is also partly because we are more doubtful with our partners, as we have more to lose.

It is because we open ourselves to them much more and are fearful of this feeling not being reciprocated.  Maybe it’s because of this fear that we hold them to a higher standard.  Maybe it is because of this fear that we demand so much more from them in order to believe that they truly care about us.  When a relationship is in this dynamic, there is no real trust and there is no real giving.

If we are insecure of our love being reciprocated, then there is no real trust in the other person.  If we are able to absolutely believe in their expression of love, then we would not have any fear of not being loved.  Without this fear, we would not be as sensitive to their actions when they do not align with our expectations.  With this belief would also come a relinquishing of our expectations, because we might realize that we can still be loved without someone following what we expect them to do.

We must also look to see if our actions are motivated by an attempt to meet expectations.  Our actions must only be those that we truly want to do, not what we think we should do and not what we want reciprocated.  If we give our time and effort in this manner, it becomes something different, true giving does not come with an expectation of receiving.  Only if we can give without any expectations of reciprocation can we free our partner from us.  Expectations can become a limitation on whoever we love, and their expectations on us.  A relationship where both people are acting in this way is a false image, because neither person is acting according to their own wants.  The more this becomes so, the more the relationship will decay, as the real people inside grow farther apart.

The unlearning we have to do in order to achieve a state of no expectations might be an arduous task, but the chance of having an honest and freeing relationship is a great enough motivator to take on the task.

Photo by Antaean

Something that’s been on my mind a lot in the past couple of months is about the relationships that we are born with and have some sort of obligation to keep. The best example of this would be immediate family. Why do people have the idea that parents must love their children, and love them equally and unconditionally. Children in turn must love them back in the same way. Now this sort of relationship may actually exist with most families, but a lot of the time, the phrase “I love him/her” is accompanied by “she/he is my mom/dad/brother/sister.” Now the second part of the phrase makes me wonder whether this love is unconditional only because the person feels obligated to love them because of the blood relation.

I saw one of my grand-uncles this year for the first time in two years. He told me during our conversation that he loves me because we’re related. This was confusing to me because he barely knows me, I have numerous acquaintances that know me better than he does, and yet he claims that he loves me. He said it was because we’re family. So does he love me only because we’re family? He isn’t under as much pressure to love me since he is a distant relative and still he made this claim.

This seems like a question that is very hard to approach since most people will immediately say that their love is not something that exists out of obligation, especially when it comes to family members. But we do so many things out of obligations to our friends and have no problem admitting it, surely there are some similar instances in family relationships as well?

A lot of people seem to have trouble letting go of family members even in destructive situations because they feel bound by this obligation. The ability to examine all of our connections with other people objectively without the influence of what is expected of us would be very useful in protecting our own well-being. No person should do anything out of obligation at their own detriment. This cuts down on any sort of individual freedom that person has and it also opens the door to future regrets.