Of Course I Love My Mom
Posted on 29. Sep, 2009 by Ruda in Relationships
Photo by Antaean
Something that’s been on my mind a lot in the past couple of months is about the relationships that we are born with and have some sort of obligation to keep. The best example of this would be immediate family. Why do people have the idea that parents must love their children, and love them equally and unconditionally. Children in turn must love them back in the same way. Now this sort of relationship may actually exist with most families, but a lot of the time, the phrase “I love him/her” is accompanied by “she/he is my mom/dad/brother/sister.” Now the second part of the phrase makes me wonder whether this love is unconditional only because the person feels obligated to love them because of the blood relation.
I saw one of my grand-uncles this year for the first time in two years. He told me during our conversation that he loves me because we’re related. This was confusing to me because he barely knows me, I have numerous acquaintances that know me better than he does, and yet he claims that he loves me. He said it was because we’re family. So does he love me only because we’re family? He isn’t under as much pressure to love me since he is a distant relative and still he made this claim.
This seems like a question that is very hard to approach since most people will immediately say that their love is not something that exists out of obligation, especially when it comes to family members. But we do so many things out of obligations to our friends and have no problem admitting it, surely there are some similar instances in family relationships as well?
A lot of people seem to have trouble letting go of family members even in destructive situations because they feel bound by this obligation. The ability to examine all of our connections with other people objectively without the influence of what is expected of us would be very useful in protecting our own well-being. No person should do anything out of obligation at their own detriment. This cuts down on any sort of individual freedom that person has and it also opens the door to future regrets.
Sinname
Oct 22nd, 2009
Hello Ruda. I also have been considering this question for quite some time now. It has surfaced again in the past few weeks because of the fast approaching commercial/pseudo-religious/patriotic/hedonistic/etc. etc. “holiday” called Thanksgiving. Some years ago I ejected from the social order, breaking all contact with friends and family or any kind. Understanding the general obligatory nature of family relationships which is usually destructive, I have refused to acknowledge or participate in any such celebrations. No Christmas, no birthdays, no thanksgiving, no family vacations, etc. I literally did not speak to anyone in my active search for understanding.
Without unnecessary details, I now seem to be regarded again as a presence in the lives of extended blood family and relatives, even though I haven’t spoken a word to any of them in years, they know not a single true thing about me and we have nothing at all in common. Yet now there is some mysterious pressure that because I have a friendship with one member of the family now, they all are expecting me to be present at this Thanksgiving reunion and celebration. Their hopes seem to be riding on it, and it’s not in my head.
So I also wondered: Why do they have emotional wellbeing resting upon this matter? What do they need me for? Why is it expected that I should be there? I have no desire whatsoever to put myself into the frame of mind to satiate their craving. Being true and honest with them in their presence would likely be a worse outcome than my absence.
I prefer not to waste my time engaged in small talk or explaining any history of myself. I also don’t want to listen about insignificant happenings in their lives. None of that really matters, it’s just a diversion from the present.
I am not asking advice, but simply sharing my current situation which is related to your post. The lesson I am learning these days is this: Don’t compensate the truth. When we understand these things, they must be put into action. Lack of commitment leads to impotence, rendering that truth less tangible. If I’m going to walk the walk, best to maintain my power of will and follow my intuition. Can’t contribute to imaginary security people feel by having “family.”
Ruda
Oct 22nd, 2009
Matthew,
Thanks for sharing your story. I find it very interesting because you actually did “walk the walk.” Most people are programmed since birth to stick to certain familial obligations, and this becomes so strong that it does affect their well-being. I was wondering if you ever explained to your family about how this works and how you want to be rid of obligations. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did and they didn’t take it well. I completely agree with the actions you took, I would do the same if my family tried to hold me to things. Fortunately I’ve always been somewhat detached and my family knows this and they know that I will refuse any obligations that I don’t really want to do. I feel fortunate in this sense because I can have a dialogue with them still without limiting my freedom. It’s only the first step to have the idea but there is so much more to do in terms of implementing them and “walking the walk.” I don’t often meet anyone that has done this and I’m glad to have heard from you.
Ruda