Photo by Mr. Kris

Every relationship that we cultivate has it’s own dynamic.  We do not behave exactly the same with everyone, and the greatest difference that can be observed is in our “romantic” relationships.  For some reason, we treat our lovers differently than our friends, we have different expectations of them.  Perhaps, this is partly because of what we’re taught by our surroundings, from seeing others do the same.  But it is also partly because we are more doubtful with our partners, as we have more to lose.

It is because we open ourselves to them much more and are fearful of this feeling not being reciprocated.  Maybe it’s because of this fear that we hold them to a higher standard.  Maybe it is because of this fear that we demand so much more from them in order to believe that they truly care about us.  When a relationship is in this dynamic, there is no real trust and there is no real giving.

If we are insecure of our love being reciprocated, then there is no real trust in the other person.  If we are able to absolutely believe in their expression of love, then we would not have any fear of not being loved.  Without this fear, we would not be as sensitive to their actions when they do not align with our expectations.  With this belief would also come a relinquishing of our expectations, because we might realize that we can still be loved without someone following what we expect them to do.

We must also look to see if our actions are motivated by an attempt to meet expectations.  Our actions must only be those that we truly want to do, not what we think we should do and not what we want reciprocated.  If we give our time and effort in this manner, it becomes something different, true giving does not come with an expectation of receiving.  Only if we can give without any expectations of reciprocation can we free our partner from us.  Expectations can become a limitation on whoever we love, and their expectations on us.  A relationship where both people are acting in this way is a false image, because neither person is acting according to their own wants.  The more this becomes so, the more the relationship will decay, as the real people inside grow farther apart.

The unlearning we have to do in order to achieve a state of no expectations might be an arduous task, but the chance of having an honest and freeing relationship is a great enough motivator to take on the task.

Photo by hr.icio

One of the core beliefs that every person holds, whether they are aware of it or not, concerns a basic fact about human nature.  This belief will either be that human beings are self-interested and individualistic, or that we care about others by nature and not just ourselves.  Which side a person chooses will largely be determined by their experiences and upbringing.  The person who has been affected most by the selfishness of others or is selfish themselves, will choose to justify their behavior by claiming that humans are selfish by nature.  The person who has always been treated kindly and favorably by others will believe that human beings are good and caring of others by nature.

I am defining self-interested/selfish as prioritizing one’s own benefit above that of everyone else, even if it means breaking rules that they have set forth for themselves.  A caring person would be one that thinks of how their actions might negatively affect other people and follows their own rules even to their detriment.

I am more inclined to thing that more people are self-interested, but I don’t think this is a characteristic of humans as a species.  I think this is a learned behavior, something that can be changed, something that is not inherent in us.  There are people who do care about others genuinely, and there are people that don’t.  It is wrong to make an assumption about our race as a whole in order to justify one’s own behavior.  I am not claiming one view to be better than another, that’s a much deeper question of whether there are a set of morals to be followed.  What I’m more concerned about are the people that choose to represent themselves as something they are not.  Most people who are selfish will not want others to see it.  Some of them don’t see it themselves.  But if a person is unwilling to be honest about this belief with the people around them, or to themselves, then there is obviously some sort of conflict in their minds.

If we choose to hide something, then we are admitting to ourselves that it is an undesirable trait.  If we know that we are acting undesirably, then why keep doing it?  The true self-centered person will not choose to masquerade as a a caring member of society for the benefit of others.  So before we can even begin discussing whether it is right to be self-interested or caring of others, we have to first be honest about what we truly believe.  If people are trying to be perceived as caring and act selfishly, then they must choose which one they really agree with.  Most of the time, it is this way because they would like to have the benefit and convenience of being self-interested with the benefit of being viewed as caring.  To me this is an inconsistent behavior.  One of the first steps to becoming aware of who we are is to solve these inconsistencies in our ideals or beliefs about ourselves and the world.  An inconsistent person is one who will always be clueless about who they really are.

Photo by Chris Owens

Often times, when we try to find the source of our inhibitions, it turns out that we are the ones limiting ourselves. Any perception of the world around us that we use in evaluating whether we should do something resides in our own mind. I’m extrapolating from myself here so I would be interested to know if anyone else has noticed this in themselves.

For example, if you wanted to wear tie-dye shirts but thought that they were not fashionable enough or that you would get made fun of. You probably wouldn’t wear them, but you would also probably single out those that do. You point out others wearing tie-dye as being unfashionable because that’s the perception that exists in your head, created by you. You are assuming that this is how the world is. So in reality, it’s your own assumption that is stopping you from wearing tie-dye shirts. By making fun of that other person, we are really just reinforcing our own ideas even more. As we try to limit someone else, we end up limiting ourselves.

Because of this process, we become our own inhibitors. When you’re afraid of getting made fun of, you’re really afraid of the part of you that makes fun of others for doing the same thing. Maybe in reality, others won’t care, maybe they don’t have the same perceptions as you. By letting others be free to do as they wish and not trying to box them into our preconceptions of the world, we can start to free ourselves as well. When the part of you that criticizes others fades away, then you will no longer have any fear of doing the things that you want to do. This lets others live without your criticism and leaves you happier.

Photo by Antaean

Something that’s been on my mind a lot in the past couple of months is about the relationships that we are born with and have some sort of obligation to keep. The best example of this would be immediate family. Why do people have the idea that parents must love their children, and love them equally and unconditionally. Children in turn must love them back in the same way. Now this sort of relationship may actually exist with most families, but a lot of the time, the phrase “I love him/her” is accompanied by “she/he is my mom/dad/brother/sister.” Now the second part of the phrase makes me wonder whether this love is unconditional only because the person feels obligated to love them because of the blood relation.

I saw one of my grand-uncles this year for the first time in two years. He told me during our conversation that he loves me because we’re related. This was confusing to me because he barely knows me, I have numerous acquaintances that know me better than he does, and yet he claims that he loves me. He said it was because we’re family. So does he love me only because we’re family? He isn’t under as much pressure to love me since he is a distant relative and still he made this claim.

This seems like a question that is very hard to approach since most people will immediately say that their love is not something that exists out of obligation, especially when it comes to family members. But we do so many things out of obligations to our friends and have no problem admitting it, surely there are some similar instances in family relationships as well?

A lot of people seem to have trouble letting go of family members even in destructive situations because they feel bound by this obligation. The ability to examine all of our connections with other people objectively without the influence of what is expected of us would be very useful in protecting our own well-being. No person should do anything out of obligation at their own detriment. This cuts down on any sort of individual freedom that person has and it also opens the door to future regrets.